This is something that I have hesitated to post just because of feedback, what people might think of me, and etc…But I have just felt the need to share, because I know I’m not the only one. I feel like moms go through this but have to keep quiet about it because of mom shaming. And that is so sad.

I know I’ll probably get mom shamed for this by some. But I’m not perfect and I am a real person who has real feelings.

And if you want to go ahead and judge me, criticize me, or whatever. Then I kindly ask you to just keep your thoughts and opinions to yourself.

 

This pregnancy has been a very emotional one. Not only because of typical pregnancy hormones, but also everything that I have gone through since becoming pregnant. Something I don’t talk about is that in the beginning we thought we were losing this baby. I started cramping and then started to bleed; I was really early…probably about 5 weeks along. I was absolutely terrified and felt numb. The thought of losing this baby, even that early on just didn’t seem right. My doctor did an ultrasound and they could see a sac but no baby and no heartbeat. Which the doctor said it could be too early but I had to wait a week which felt like an eternity. Just to see if there was any growth/progress. I was put on pelvic rest and had to rest as much as possible. My next appointment couldn’t come soon enough. At that appointment we got to see and hear the tiny heartbeat. But of course we weren’t out of the woods yet; because baby wasn’t measuring where it should be. So I had to have weekly appointments until 8 weeks to make sure everything was progressing normally. God answered our prayers for sure because at 8 weeks baby’s growth was perfect and had a strong heartbeat.

After that all passed I started to picture just who this little baby is. But little did I realize I would face a whole new set of emotions that I have never felt. I will start off by saying that I absolutely love this little boy more than I can explain and I cannot wait to meet him.

But it’s taking some time to get to that point.

I dealt with gender disappointment.

It is not easy to talk about, because I NEVER want him or anyone to think that I  love him any less.

Before I got pregnant we knew that there was a good chance it would be a boy, of course it’s 50/50. But I always just wanted to be a mom to all girls. I’m such a girly girl that I just always pictured myself raising girls.

So when you have a picture in your mind of how you think things should be, that’s just the way it should go…

I was so anxious to find out what we were having, but of course I ultimately thought we were having another girl. I had such a strong feeling we were having another girl, until about 14-15 weeks something changed. I noticed I just didn’t feel as strongly anymore and deep down I just knew I was having a boy BUT I didn’t believe that feeling. I constantly pushed those feelings aside and didn’t even picture our little family with a boy.

We found out at 16 weeks, we were having a boy.

Trying to describe how I felt, will make me feel like a cold heartless person, unless you have felt the same thing. I’m not going to deny the fact that I just felt so upset over the news. I knew in time that I would come around. Because boy or girl, I love this baby so deeply.

So many thoughts went through my head. I went through about a two week period of just sorting through my thoughts and feelings.

I cried, a lot. I cried when I realized that I was most likely having a boy. I cried when we found out. I cried to myself. I cried to Caleb. I cried to a few friends. I would have to hold back tears anytime “the gender” was brought up and act happy.

I hated the fact I had to act happy. It hurt. I didn’t want to hear comments like “Oh, now you have the perfect family”, “home run family”, and etc. For one, there is no “perfect family” definition. Everyone has their own perfect family, and just because someone has one boy and one girl doesn’t mean their family is more perfect over someone who has all girls or all boys.

I couldn’t even look at any baby clothes. I wasn’t willing to come to terms and even had thoughts that maybe just maybe the baby isn’t a boy, and is a girl. And we will find out for at 20 weeks. No, I wasn’t naïve. I knew more than anyone that this baby was a boy. I just needed to sort out my thoughts and feelings.

After a week of what almost felt like grieving, which I kind of felt like I “lost” something. I started to think that maybe deciding on a name and buying some outfits would help me and I would start to feel happy. Those things helped a little.

I also started thinking how we would announce the gender but I just couldn’t think and no ideas seemed good enough. I finally decided on an announcement idea, and at the time I didn’t realize just how special it was going to be… (See our gender reveal here)

Time is already a blur, just because I felt like I was in such a fog. But the week we decided his name, my husband really wanted to tell his grandfather we were naming our son after him. I wanted to, but also I didn’t because I just wanted to feel truly excited and I wasn’t to that point yet.

But for some weird reason at that point which I couldn’t explain I felt like we should tell his grandfather too. His grandfather’s face just lit up with pure joy when we told him. I will never forget his reaction and that day. My heart started to heal because naming our son after him, is an honor. And Caleb couldn’t wait for the day that Warren would get to meet baby Warren face to face.

A few days later, Caleb’s grandfather passed away…

My heart sank and just broke into so many different pieces.

I had to hold myself together to be there for my husband who lost such an important person in his life.

I felt upset, broken, but mostly, I felt angry. I felt angry at myself for feeling the way I did because we were having a boy. I also felt so selfish. Selfish for taking the excitement out of finding out. I constantly regret feeling the way I did, but I am only human who has feelings and I just needed to work through them. God knew that our family needed this little boy and I am definitely excited and couldn’t picture our family any differently.

If you have dealt with the same and you know what gender disappointment feels like. My heart breaks for you and with you. It’s not easy to talk about, especially to someone who has never dealt with it because they won’t understand. I didn’t understand it, until I experienced it.  Don’t be afraid to reach out to someone and to explain your feelings. It might help. I confided in a few of my close friends, only for them to tell me, they’ve been through it. Which I had no idea, but it’s because it’s just something that isn’t talked about and we are made to feel like we aren’t allowed to feel a certain way. You are allowed to feel that way. And it is completely normal. If you are going through it, don’t feel ashamed. It doesn’t mean you don’t love your baby, you just loved the idea of a certain gender and just have to reroute your thoughts. And soon you will love the idea and won’t be able to picture your family differently.

God knew long before we did, our hearts needed this little boy.