I don’t really know where to start or exactly what to say. But I’ll start with the day my daughter changed my life.
This time I’m not talking about the day she was born, even though that day she did change my life. I’m talking about just recently.
I was having (another) one of those days, nothing was going right and I was just angry and frustrated. I try my hardest to not let my emotions show but it’s been a struggle.
That day Ellie looked at me and asked “Mommy, why are you not happy anymore?”
I froze. I just looked at her and the look of sadness on her face broke me.
I couldn’t think of what to say. Not that I didn’t have a reason, I had too many but trying to find the words to explain to a three year old, was impossible.
I also realized that day, my emotions are effecting her. Anytime I’m not happy, she acts out more. Which is not fair to her.
I’ve been battling postpartum depression and anxiety since having Warren. It has not been easy, on anyone. And to be honest. It just sucks. I don’t like to talk about it because although I’m finally on the right track to getting better…it’s still a daily struggle. My main focus is to raise happy and healthy children. So taking care of me falls into that. How can I raise happy and healthy children if I’m struggling? Ever since my six week postpartum checkup I’ve been working on getting better. But the day Ellie asked me that question, changed me. Looking at her and seeing her sweet innocence and realizing I am fully responsible for how she handles her emotions just shook me to my core. She needs me. She needs me to show her it’s okay to be upset but she needs me to guide her to help her overcome emotions. And I was failing her.
She has no idea how much I need her. She’s a spirited soul and very strong willed. But also the most kind and loving little girl. I watch her interact with kids her age and she will always help them if needed, she lets kids go in front of her, the way she talks to them there’s always a kindness in her voice and I’ve seen her give out so many hugs. She’s my little light. And I absolutely refuse to ever let that little light burn out.
My light burned out but because of her, I’ve found a new strength and to keep that light burning again. Everyday is a new day to work on myself, but I’m working on myself for Ellie and for Warren. I want them to have a mom that is happy. Of course not everyday will be easy. If you ever dealt with depression and anxiety you will know that it creeps up on you so fast. But as the days go by I can find more happiness in each day.
It’s taking a lot to get to this point in my postpartum healing. I’m a firm believer that it can take up to a year to fully heal from giving birth, physically and mentally.
Seriously you’re pregnant for a full nine, almost ten months and giving birth is one of the hardest things your body goes through. There’s no way to be completely healed within that 6-8 week window. If you’re struggling, it’s okay.
Postpartum depression and anxiety comes in all shapes and forms and it looks different from person to person. So many people are being more open with dealing with postpartum depression and anxiety. And it’s quite amazing.
You are not alone.
I wish I knew the secret to heal your mind, but I don’t. I’m slowly getting to a point where I feel better more and more.
Seeing my daughter happy more days, because I’m happy…is my motivation.
These days I now here her ask with the biggest smile on her face “Mommy, do I make you happy?” Because she knows I will always answer yes with the biggest smile on my face.
She is the one who changed my life.